No Doubt In My Mind
by TarlsBlack
Summary: Olivia finds out something about her father and she reacts. Will Captain Cragen be able to help her? Or will she crumble and fall? Warnings: Self harm, suicide, triggers.
1. Chapter 1

**OK, I need you guys to know, Bensidy never happened in this story. I never liked Cassidy.**

**Disclaimer: If you recognize it, it's not mine. **

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**Chapter 1 **

"Captain, I need a few days off." Detective Olivia Benson sat in Captain Cragen's office, hoping to dear God that he would grant her request.  
"Why?" He was curious. Olivia was a very private person, but she almost never asked for time off. So he knew something must have happened.  
"It's personal." She said.  
"How many days?" He asked. There was no point in pushing, as she wouldn't tell him until she was ready.  
"2 or 3 will be enough." She replied.  
"You can have 3, come back in two if you need," He said. She nodded and turned to leave, "Oh and Benson," She turned back, "Talk to me if you need to."  
"Thanks Cap." She smiled and left his office. She spent the rest of the day on autopilot. She took statements from victims and drilled a perp. When Fin asked her if she was OK, Olivia ignored him. It wasn't something she wanted to talk about.

When she got home she packed a small bag and threw it in her car. She drove 4 hours to Boston. Her GPS guided her to the exact house she was looking for, and she parked across the street a few houses down. She just wanted to watch them for a while, before she spoke to them. She drank the coffee she had bought from a small café up the road and checked the time. 7pm. She decided to quit for the night. She went to the same small café and bought a hamburger for dinner. She ate it, and checked into a hotel. She changed into her pyjamas and decided to have an early night. As she crawled into bed, she thought about the woman that she so longed to meet.

The next morning she climbed out of bed at 8am. She knew where she had to go today. To the library. Where the woman worked. She got breakfast and a coffee at the same café and then made her way to the library. She strolled in and saw her. She was beautiful. She had large brown eyes and long brown hair, streaked with blonde. She was tall and wore a beautiful purple dress. She was confident in the way she stood, the way she spoke to people, the way she moved. Olivia smiled calmly at the girl even though she felt like throwing up and the girl smiled back.  
"Can I help you?" She asked.  
"Yeah, actually. Um, my name is Olivia Benson, and I… I'm your sister."  
"You're my sister?" The girl chuckled, "You must have me confused with someone else Miss Benson."  
"No, I don't. I'm sorry Nicole. Your mother is Anne Tyler?" Olivia asked the girl, knowing what her answer would be.  
"Yes she is. She died though."  
"Do you know who your father is?"  
"Joseph Hollister."  
"Nicole, your father raped my mother. I'm his child as well." Nicole's face dropped. Her smile disappeared.  
"He raped my mother too. I can't believe he did it to other people."  
"Well he did. We also have a brother. His name is Simon. But Joseph didn't rape his Mum. They were married."  
"He was married, but felt the need to _rape _other women too?" She spat out the word.  
"Yeah. I'm sorry Nicole."  
"I, I don't even… know what to think." She said, her voice catching.  
"Neither did I. You learn to deal with it."  
"How long have you known?" She asked.  
"About him? Most of my life. My Mum told me when I was old enough to understand. I learnt about Simon a few years ago and you recently."  
"Please leave." She said, tears in her eyes. Olivia looked at the girl.  
"If you need to talk, call me." Olivia said, sliding a business card across the counter. She turned and left the library. She had done what she needed to do. Though she had done it quicker than what she thought she would. So, she decided to go home and catch up on a few days' rest.

Olivia opened her door and lay on her lounge. She closed her eyes and tried to sleep, but her mind kept running. Over and over she remembered Nicole's reaction, as if in a movie. She stood and went to her kitchen, deciding on a glass of wine. One glass of wine quickly turned into two, which quickly turned into a whole bottle. She soon passed out on the lounge. She had nightmares, of the prison guard forcing her mouth open, and of William Lewis, shoving a gun into her mouth and taunting her.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2 **

Olivia didn't wake the next day until midday. She heard her phone ringing and glanced at the caller id. It was Fin. She didn't particularly want to talk, so she ignored it, preferring instead to get up and have some more wine. She plonked down on the lounge again, flicking through the channels. She stopped on a movie that had just started and drained the bottle of wine.

Standing, she staggered to the bathroom and turned the shower on. She undressed and stepped into the boiling water. She flinched at the temperature. Turning the cold tap on more, she closed her eyes and breathed deeply. When she was done, she slowly dried herself, got dressed and curled up in bed. She wasn't hungry and just wanted to work. She would go back to work tomorrow to distract herself from her personal life. She fell asleep, finally, after turning the TV in her room on.

The next morning, she had large black bags under her eyes, and the worse headache ever. She knew she was hung over, but she went to work anyway.  
"Liv, you look like hell." Fin said, after she pulled her sunglasses off her face.  
"Geez thanks Fin."  
"But it's true." He laughed.  
"I know." She sat at her desk, and drunk the coffee she had bought on the way to work.  
"Olivia, I thought you were taking a few days off." Cragen said, surprised to find the detective in the squad room.  
"It got taken care of faster than I thought it would."  
"My office, now," He said, knowing that her answer was a complete lie. She stood and exchanged a glance with Fin. She followed her Captain into his office. She stood near the door, after she had closed it, guessing what he was going to say, "Olivia, what is going on?"  
"Nothing."  
"You need to pull yourself together Liv. I know something is going on. Desk duty until I tell you otherwise."  
"But Captain -" She complained.  
"No buts," He interrupted, "How can you expect to help others, when you're not helping yourself?"  
She nodded and sat down on the lounge.  
"Cap, I'm trying to." She said.  
"I know Liv," He smiled at her, "Go, do some work."  
"Thanks Cap." She smiled back at him and left the room. Burying herself in paperwork, she spent the rest of the day forcing Nicole out of her mind.

"Liv, Liv!" Someone shook her shoulder and she opened her eyes. She hadn't realised it, but she had fallen asleep. She looked up to see Fin standing over her.  
"Hell, how long have I been out?" She asked, pushing the paperwork away from her.  
"Since about 8pm," He chuckled, "You must have been tired."  
"Yeah, I was. Didn't sleep too well last night." She checked the time. It was 10pm.  
"How come?" He asked.  
"Lewis. The prison guard." She looked down at the ground.  
"Liv, I'm sorry." He put his arms around her, but she shook him off.  
"It's not your fault Fin," She looked up at him. She stood and grabbed her coat, "Drinks?"  
"On me." He smiled and they left the precinct.

"Hit me." Olivia giggled to the bartender. The bartender poured more tequila into her shot glass and she downed it in one fell swoop.  
"We should go, Liv." Fin had only had a few drinks. He had guessed that she needed to drink and have fun.  
"OK, O – da – fin," She giggled lightly, "That's a funny name, O – da – fin." She got off her stool and stumbled. Fin caught her and led her out to his car. He drove her to her apartment and put her in bed. He pulled her shoes off, tucking her in. He went into the kitchen to get himself a glass of water and noticed the two wine bottles, from the two previous nights. He had a drink and lay on the lounge. He planned to stay the night, make sure she was OK. He was worried about her, so when he went to sleep that night, she was the last thing he thought of.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3 **

The next morning, Olivia awoke and her head was pounding. She staggered into the loungeroom, already regretting her decision to drink last night. She was surprised to find Fin asleep on her lounge.  
She went into the kitchen and grabbed a glass of water, taking a pill at the same time. She showered and dressed for work. When she re-entered the loungeroom, Fin was watching TV.  
"Morning," She smiled, "I didn't know you stayed here."  
"Hey," He smiled back, "I couldn't leave you alone. Especially after I found the bottles." Her face dropped.  
"I know shouldn't have drunk that much."  
"Do you drink a lot?" He asked, obviously concerned.  
"No, not really." She lied. He knew she was lying, but didn't push it. He, like Cragen, knew Olivia would tell him when she was ready.  
"Let's go to work." He said, standing up. They wandered out to the car, making small talk.  
"I'm driving," She said, holding her hand out for the keys. He handed them to her. They got in the car, stopped to get coffee and ended up in the precincts car park, "Fin?" She asked. He turned to face her.  
"Yeah?"  
"Thanks."  
"It's OK." He leant towards her and gave her a hug. They embraced for a minute, and then got out of the car, to walk into work.

Olivia sat at her desk, swallowed by a mountain of paperwork and she just stared at it. She didn't want to touch it, all she wanted to do was burn it. She couldn't stop thinking about Nicole, about how she'd hurt her. No. How _he'd_ hurt her.  
"You OK Liv?" Someone asked. She looked up to see Captain Cragen staring intently at her.  
"What? Yeah I'm fine." She said. At least this time she hadn't been asleep, but she couldn't believe she had been caught out not concentrating.  
"Sure?" He asked, feeling it was safe to prod a bit. She sighed.  
"Not really Captain. I'm tired, I'm stressed out, and I'm not concentrating. Yesterday I fell asleep here, at my desk."  
"What's going on?" He asked, pulling a seat next to her, and sitting on it.  
"I don't want to talk about it."  
"Olivia, I know you do." He said, more forcefully than he intended. She inhaled deeply and made a split second decision.  
"I don't know how to feel anymore. I'm always tense, scared of people touching me, getting too close. It's Lewis, it's the prison guard, it's everything, just weighing down on me. But most of all it's my sister." She stopped.  
"Your sister?" He asked.  
"I found out I have a sister. That's why I took time off."  
"You met her." He said. She nodded.  
"A few days ago. My father raped both our mothers." Olivia wiped the tears from her eyes.  
"And you haven't been coping with all of this?" He asked gently. She shook her head.  
"No. I have nightmares, and when I wake up it's like I actually haven't woken up. I'm still there. He's still trying to force himself inside me, Lewis is still taunting me, laughing at me. And I wake up crying, and in a sweat."  
"Have you been drinking to cope?" He asked seriously. He knew how quickly someone could get addicted, even on the smallest trigger.  
"No, I'm not." She lied, even surprising herself with how real it seemed. Her Captain seemed to believe her lie.  
"That's good Liv."  
"Yeah, it is Cap," She smiled at him and stood, "Hey, listen I should get going. Thanks for listening."  
"It's OK Liv. Goodnight." He said, startled by her abrupt departure. She strode quickly away from him, hoping not to burst into tears in front of him. She sat in her car, breathing deeply, trying to figure out what to do now. She drove to the closest bar and ordered a glass of wine. She sat at the bar staring at her fingers, trying not to order the next glass. But she couldn't stop herself. She bought another glass. And another. And another. Until she wasn't sure how many glasses she'd downed.

After a few hours, she stumbled back to her car, and realising that she couldn't drive home, called Fin.  
"Will you come get meeeeeee?" She asked, drawing out the last word for her own entertainment.  
"Where are you?"  
"The bar near the precinct." She said, slurring her speech.  
"OK, I'll be there in five," He said, hanging the phone up. She sat in the back of her car until he arrived. When he got out of his car, she also got out of hers. She locked her car, and went to the passenger seat. She buckled herself and he got in too, "Are you OK Liv?" He asked, placing a hand on her shoulder. She shook it off and nodded.  
"I'm fine Fin."  
"Are you sure?" He asked.  
"Take me home Fin. I'm tired." She put her head back on the head rest and closed her eyes. By the time they got to her place, she was asleep. He sat in the car, watching her for a while. She started shaking, sweating, crying out.  
"No, please, don't. No!" She screamed the last word. He shook her shoulder, and she didn't wake up straight away but when she did she was crying.  
"Hey, hey, it's OK." He whispered. She wiped her tears and got out of the car.  
"Thanks for the lift." She smiled, and turned on her heal, leaving him bewildered. She stumbled to her apartment. She fumbled the key into the lock, threw open the door, and was hurled into a flashback.

_"Hey. There she is. Those big, beautiful brown eyes. So beautiful. Give me a smile. Still feeling woozy, huh? That's all right. We got time. Oh, come on, don't be shy. We're past that. You've been so sweet when you were knocked out. Another drink? Oh, why don't I take off that tape so you can say yes? One thing. You scream again, I'll shove your own gun right down your throat."_

She screamed and collapsed into a crying heap on the floor.  
"No! Please! Let me go!" She shouted at the imaginary Lewis. She stood and raced from the apartment, stumbling, tears blocking her vision. She slowed her pace once she'd gotten two or so blocks from her apartment _and_ reached for her phone. She dialled a number and waited for it to ring.  
"Hello?" Captain Cragen answered.  
"It's me. Can you come get me?" She asked, trying to sound as though she hadn't been crying.  
"Where are you?" He asked. She told him, "I'll be there soon. Hang on Liv," She sat on a stoop and put her head in her hands. She couldn't seem to stop crying these days, 'Liv?" She looked up. Cragen sat next to her, "Liv what happened?"  
"I – I got back home, and h – he was there. L – Lewis." She cried. He put his arms around her and embraced her.  
"He's not here Liv. It was flashback." He murmured. She wiped her tears and looked up at him.  
"I lied to you Cap." She admitted.  
"What about?" He asked.  
"Drinking." She said. He nodded.  
"How much?"  
"The last few nights, a bottle a night. Sometimes I'll have two or three. On bad nights, I'll have four or five." She sniffled.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

Olivia and Cragen walked into the hall together. There were maybe 20 chairs in a circle. 13 or 14 had people in them. It was obviously an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. Olivia stopped just inside the door, fear apparent on her face. Cragen turned to face her.  
"You're here. And that's the first step." He said.  
"I don't think I can do this." She said. She was craving another drink, but hadn't had one since Cragen had picked her up and taken her home two nights before.  
"I know you can."  
"I don't want to do this. I can't do this." She stared at the circle of people and walked out of the hall. Cragen followed her and found her leaning on a retaining wall.  
"It's either this or therapy." He said.  
"I'm already seeing Dr Lindstrom, but it's just… it's not helping. It did for a while, and then it didn't," She told him, feeling sick to the stomach, "I seriously want a drink." She looked at him.  
"I know you do. Tell the doctor that it's not helping. And come here too. This helps. Trust me." He said, with a knowing look on his face. She nodded.  
"Will you stay with me?" She asked. He smiled at her.  
"Of course." He said. They went and sat in the hall next to each other. Olivia scanned the circle, her heart pounding, and glanced at her Captain. He was sitting comfortably, with his hands clasped together in front of him. She tried to copy his body language, but found it felt safer to hug herself protectively. She stared at the ground as others introduced themselves to the group. One woman introduced herself, and Olivia's eyes shot up. She knew that voice. It was Amanda Rollins. Amanda sat back down and stared at Olivia and Cragen. Olivia couldn't tell what she was thinking, but Olivia's heart was beating a million miles an hour. She leant over to Cragen.  
"I need some air." He nodded and she stood and strode out of the hall. She leant on the retaining wall again, and breathed deeply.  
"Olivia?" She knew it was Amanda without looking. The blonde detective stood in front of her and sighed.  
"Amanda, please leave it. I tried not to drink, I couldn't stop. Cragen brought me here. The end," She looked into the detective's concerned eyes and smiled, "I'm fine Amanda, really. Go back inside. I think I'm going to go home." Amanda nodded, realising she had been dismissed. She went back inside and Olivia got her mobile out. She texted Cragen: _Thanks, but I'm going home. See you at work. _She left the hall and ended up back at her apartment. She went to her cupboards and emptied all the alcohol into a garbage bag. As she went downstairs, she ran into Cragen.  
"Olivia, why'd you leave?" He asked, staring at the bag in her hands. She continued down the stairs, with him following her.  
"Because I couldn't stay." She replied. She threw the bag into the big garbage bin downstairs and went back to her apartment. Cragen perched on the lounge.  
"You should have." He said. She offered him a glass of water and he accepted it.  
"I couldn't."  
"Why?" He asked. She went back into the kitchen and didn't speak until he couldn't see her.  
"I'm becoming my mother," She said, resting her head against the fridge. She sighed, "She started off drinking, more and more every night. Then she got violent. She'd hit me and I'd just cop it. I thought it was my fault, especially after she told me about my father. As I got older, she got more violent. I would stay home from school for days at a time, because I could barely move. She didn't care. She'd black out for days, and I'd cook and clean for myself. I was self – sufficient at 8. I got a job at 13 to support myself, because she wasn't. I've turned out exactly like her."  
"No you haven't," He said, appearing in the kitchen, 'You asked for help Olivia."  
"Barely," She said, her eyes filling with tears. Her phone rang, "Detective Benson." She answered.  
"Hi, um, it's Nicole. I just wanted to tell you goodbye." The girl said.  
"Goodbye? What do you mean?" Olivia asked. The phone went dead, "Shit. Call Boston P.D, get them to go to the library and to Nicole Tyler's house. We have to go, now. I think she's going to kill herself." The two ran down to her car and drove away from Olivia's apartment. Olivia drove along the highway, her mind racing. Captain Cragen sat in the passenger seat, silent as a mouse, not daring to speak. Olivia's phone rang and Cragen answered it.  
"Detective Benson's phone. Captain Cragen speaking," He said, very formally. He listened to the person on the other end and glanced at Olivia, "Olivia, I'm sorry." He said. Tears trickled down her face. She pulled the car over and took the phone from Cragen.  
"This is Olivia Benson." She said, stepping out of the car.  
"I'm so sorry Miss Benson. We tried to get there in time, we really did, but she had hung herself. She's gone."  
"Thank you. Goodbye." She ended the call and sat on the bonnet, facing away from Cragen. It hadn't really set in yet. Cragen, sensing she needed a little bit of space, stayed in the car. She gazed at the cars driving past her, but didn't take any notice of them. She felt an arm around her shoulders and glanced at Cragen, who had sat next to her on the bonnet.  
"Come on, it's been half an hour." He said, and he led her to the passenger seat. He sat in the driver's seat and turned the car around.  
"No," She said quickly, "I want to go and see her."  
"Liv, you shouldn't." He said.  
"I need to do this," She said. He nodded and turned the car around. He drove to Boston and parked in the hospital car park. She got out of the car, and when he went to as well, she stopped him, "I have to go by myself," She walked into the hospital and flashed her badge to the clerk at the desk, "Where's the morgue?" She asked. The clerk gave her directions and Olivia walked down there. She flashed her badge at the morgue attendant and asked after Nicole.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5 **

Nicole's face was pale and her eyes were closed. Olivia asked to be left alone with her and held Nicole's hand.  
"I'm sorry I hurt you Nicole. I shouldn't have told you. Maybe I should have just left you be. But I don't know what pushed you over the edge. Was it me? Was it my news? Or was it something else?" She dropped her hand, and put the sheet back over Nicole's face. She took one last look at the body covered by a sheet and walked out of the room. She sat in a chair outside of the Morgue and put her head in her hands. She wanted to cry, but no tears would come. She stood and strode out in the carpark, sitting in the passenger seat of her car again, "I'm fine." She said, cutting Cragen's question off at the first word.  
"Let's go home, hey," He said. She nodded. He started the car and drove home. Not one word was spoken the whole trip. Olivia thought about everything that had happened in the last week. After a while, she succumbed to sleep. When they got to Olivia's apartment, Cragen woke her up and made sure she got inside, "Take a few days off." He said.  
"Please, let me work." She made eye contact. He could see her begging him, without saying it.  
"I can't do that Olivia." He said.  
"Please." She knew he would say no again, but she had to try.  
"You know I can't," He gave her a hug, "Do you want me to stay?" He asked. She shook her head.  
"No, I'll be fine."  
"OK, goodnight Olivia." He turned and left her apartment.  
"Goodnight Captain." She called after him. She collapsed onto the lounge, only then realising how comfortable it was. She turned the television on, hoping for a funny movie, but found only sad ones. She turned it off, and wandered into the bathroom. She undressed and got into the shower. She wanted a glass of wine, but knew she'd thrown the bottles out for a reason. She stood in the shower thinking about Nicole, wondering if she was the cause of her suicide. God she felt guilty right now. She got out of the shower, dried and dressed herself. She walked into the kitchen, opened the top drawer, and pulled a knife out. She dragged the knife over the skin on her wrist and watched the blood drip from the cut. She did it three times more and put the knife in the dishwasher. She cleaned up and bandaged her wrist. Then, feeling better, she climbed into bed, and went to sleep.

The next morning she woke up and checked the time. It was 8am. She knew she wouldn't go to sleep again, so she got dressed, taking care to wear a long sleeve shirt to cover her cuts, and went to work. She entered the squad room and sat at her desk, knowing that Cragen would kill her when he found her.  
"Morning Liv." Fin smiled at her as he sat as his desk across from her.  
"Hey." She smiled back, and drunk her coffee. She started doing some paperwork to distract herself from Nicole's death. Cragen came out of his office.  
"Fin, I need that report on that girl. Barba wants it ASAP. The defence are apparently saying it's -. Liv," He said, stopping in his tracks, "I told you to take a few days off."  
"I know, but I needed to work." She said. He nodded.  
"My office, now," He said. She got up and exchanged a glance with Fin. She closed the door behind her and stood just inside, "Olivia, I instructed you to stay at home."  
"And I couldn't stay there. I had to work. I need a distraction."  
"Olivia, go home." He said.  
"Please, Captain, let me stay. Please. I'll take a day off for the funeral, but let me work. Please." She begged.  
"Desk duty until I think you're ready." He relented. She nodded, knowing that it was better than being sent home. She thanked him, went back to her desk and started reading and writing reports.  
"Liv," Fin said. She looked up and saw the worry in his eyes, "Stop working so hard, you're freaking me out."  
"I have to." She said.  
"Why?"  
"I need a distraction." She admitted. She opened the next file and read the first sentence before he spoke again.  
"Talk to me Liv. I'm worried about you." He said carefully. He leant on the desk, trying to catch her eyes. She purposefully avoided them.  
"I know Fin. I know you are." She said, giving him the eye contact he so longed for.  
"So talk to me." He said.  
"I'm fine," She said, reading the first sentence of the file again and again. She looked up at him again, "My sister died yesterday."  
"Sister?" He asked, sounding interested.  
"My father raped another woman. Her daughter's name is, well, was Nicole. She killed herself." Olivia explained.  
"I'm sorry."  
"Ah, I didn't know her well, obviously." She said, brushing it off, like it was nothing.  
"And you told Cragen?" He asked.  
"He was there, when I got the news," She said. He didn't say anything but obviously wanted to know, "He was helping me, took me to AA's, I bailed and went back to mine, when she called to say goodbye. I told him to call the police up in Boston and we hit the road. They called back, saying they were too late. She was gone."  
"How long had you known her?"  
"Not long."  
"That's not good, Liv. Why are you at work?" He asked.  
"Cragen told me not to, but I had to. I needed a distraction."  
"I get ya Liv." He said. Then, realising that Olivia didn't want to talk, he turned back to his computer. She turned back to her stack of paperwork, when Rollins came in. Olivia watched her sit down at her desk and Rollins glanced at her. They exchanged an awkward look and turned away. Fin glanced between the girls, but figured it was their business. Nick came in then and sat at his desk. His face was stormy and he stared angrily at the computer, smashing it when it wouldn't turn on.  
"Amaro, chill!" Cragen called from his office. Amaro nodded, his face still stormy. His phone rang and he answered it quickly, leaving the room before speaking. Everyone in the squad room could hear his voice raising, louder and louder, until he was shouting down the phone. Olivia stood and went out into the hallway. He was pacing up and down the hall, the phone still up to his ear, even though the call was clearly ended.  
"Nick?" She asked. He looked up at her and stopped pacing.  
"You heard that?" He asked. She nodded.  
"The whole squad room." She said.  
"Shit!" He rattled off a string of expletives.  
"Who was it?" She asked, stepping closer.  
"Maria," He said, shaking his head, "She wants sole custody." He punched the air.  
"You can fight this." She said. He punched the air again.  
"My child, Olivia, my child!" He turned away from her and stood rigid.  
"I know, Nick, I know Zara's your child. But she needs you to be calm. She needs you to fight this." She said calmly. He turned back to her, tears in his eyes.  
"I know." He whispered. He strode back into the squad room, leaving Olivia standing in the hallway. She turned and followed him back into the room. He was already back at his desk, writing a report.


	6. Chapter 6

**This chapter was so much fun to write, especially the end of it. As always if you recognize it, it's not mine. Enjoy!**

* * *

**Chapter 6 **

A week later, and Olivia was back in New York, after Nicole's funeral. Olivia had been tough, and hadn't shed a tear. Cragen had come with her, for support, and had sat next to her. When Nicole's coffin was rolled out of the church, past Olivia, she had grabbed his hand, feeling comfort in his presence. They walked up to her door and he smiled at her.  
"You were strong today, but you don't have to be strong tonight. I can stay if you need me to?" He queried. She shook her head.  
"No, I think I'm OK." She smiled back.  
"Don't have a drink." He said, and then turned and, throwing a flippant goodbye over his shoulder, he left.  
"I won't Cap." She said quietly. She let herself into her apartment and went to the kitchen. She took the bandage on her arm and washed the dried blood away. She took a knife out of the drawer and sliced her arm again. This time it wasn't four times she cut, it was 6. She did the same thing she had done the night before, cleaning the wounds and bandaging them up and then sat on the lounge to watch TV. Her phone rang. It was Fin.  
"Hey." She answered.  
"Hey, how was it?" He asked.  
"It was OK." She said.  
"You want me to come over?" He asked.  
"I think so." She said. She knew she had told Cragen she was OK, but she was afraid she'd do something stupid.  
"OK, I'll be there in 10." He said, and she hung up the phone. 15 minutes later there was a knock and the door. She answered it, Fin waltzed in and handed Olivia a cup of coffee and a bag of food.  
"Thanks," She smiled. They sat on the lounge, eating food and watching TV. She kept her eyes held on the television, but felt Fin's eyes boring into her shoulder the whole time. She looked over at him, "What?" She asked.  
"I'm worried about you Liv."  
"I know," She touched his arm, "But you shouldn't be." His face changed into worry as he noticed the blood seeping through her bandage. Too late she pulled her sleeve over it, as he unravelled the bandage and saw the cuts.  
"You did it?" He asked. She nodded, "Does Cragen know?" She shook her head.  
"I can't." She said, her voice cutting in and out.  
"You have to."  
"No." She said, shaking her head rapidly.

"If you don't I will." He said, deadly serious.

And that is why, the next morning, Olivia and Fin were sitting in their Captains office. Olivia had her elbows on her knees, and was staring at the ground. The Captain was staring at them, waiting for them to say something.  
"Olivia? What's going on?" He tried. She said nothing, "Fin?" Fin looked at Olivia and she relented. She unravelled the bandage and showed Cragen. He gasped, "Liv."  
"Captain," She whispered, "it hurts." He stood and crouched down next to her, rolling her sleeve up further to have a look at them.  
"I know, Liv," He said, looking into her eyes. He saw the tears welling and gave Fin a meaningful look. Fin stood, squeezed Olivia's hand and left the room. Cragen sat next to her, "Liv, I know. I've been there. I never told anyone, but after I quit drinking, I was a self – harmer. I know how to get you help Liv. And you need it. Dr Lindstrom can help you. I know he can. Call him. Get yourself an appointment." He said, touching his wrist while he spoke.  
"Can you do it?" She asked, rewrapping her bandage. He nodded.  
"Course. I think you need to have a nap. Go to the crib. Please." He said. She nodded, admitting defeat. She stood and starting walk out of the room. She stopped at the door and turned back to her Captain.  
"Thanks." She said. He nodded and smiled at her.

She got a few hours' sleep in the crib and went back into the Captain's office.  
"How'd you go?" He asked, looking up from his paperwork.  
"Good. Sleep was what I needed. Thanks." She smiled.  
"I called Dr Lindstrom. He can see you tomorrow at 12." He said.  
"Thanks." She repeated. This time he acknowledged it.  
"Welcome," He nodded, "Go home Liv. I think you just need to relax."  
"What if I - "  
"Cut again?" He interrupted. She nodded, "Put all the knives in your car. I did. Sometimes it doesn't work, but other times, it does. If it doesn't, call me."  
"OK, thanks."  
"Come see me after your appointment." He said. She nodded.  
"Bye." She said. She turned and left work, saying goodbye to Fin and Amanda on the way. Nick was nowhere in sight. She turned into the hall and saw him on the phone. She stopped in front of him and he hung the phone up angrily. He spun around and walked down the hall, running into her.  
"Liv. I'm sorry. Sorry." He said.  
"It's OK Nick. Who was that?" She asked.  
"Maria." He said.  
"Oh, Nick. What did she say?"  
"She's taking me to court. I have to be in D.C. in a week." He said quickly.  
"Shit. Wanna offload?" She asked. He shook his head.  
"No, you have enough to worry about."  
"Forget about that. I'm here if you need me." She said. She gave him a hug.  
"Thanks, Liv. Same to you, you know that right?" He asked. She nodded.  
"Yeah I know," They smiled at each other, "Listen, I have somewhere to be. Bye Nick." She started walking away.  
"Bye Liv." He went back into the squad room. Olivia sat in her car holding her steering wheel. Her hands started shaking and the tears started falling. She pulled her legs onto the seat and hugged herself for what felt like hours. The car door opened and someone sat in the passenger side.  
"Liv," Nick said, putting his hand on her arm. She looked at him, tears rolling down her face and she leant over to hug him. He held her and stroked her hair, "Liv, it's OK. It's OK." He murmured. She looked up.  
"No it's not. All my life I was alone. I had an alcoholic mother and a rapist father. When I grew up, I was more alone than ever. Then I had a family. A brother, a niece, a nephew, a sister in law, and then a sister! I had a whole family, and I didn't know how to deal with it. And now, Nicole is gone and it could be my fault."  
"It's not your fault." He said. She nodded.  
"Feels like it." She said.  
"I know it does. But it's not, Liv. There must have been other factors." He said. She nodded again.  
"You don't have to be here, Nick. I'm fine. I just needed a cry." She said.  
"I know, Liv. You want me to go?" He asked.  
"You should go, you have enough to worry about." She said. He smiled.  
"OK, but I'm here for you." He said, opening in the door.  
"Thanks, you too." She said. He got out and walked away. She put her key in and started the engine. Wiping her eyes, she drove off. When she got home, she was so exhausted, she didn't even shower. She just fell into bed and went to sleep almost immediately.

The next morning, she did what her Captain had suggested and put all the knives in her car, but, feeling that wasn't enough for the moment, she drove to the precinct, and grabbed the small bag of knives. She walked into the station, hoping that the squad room was empty. Thankfully it was, so she went into the Captain's office, placed the bag on the desk and wrote him a note: _Thanks for the advice. Better for you to have them at the moment. _

She left the room and sat at her desk, wanting to get an early start on paperwork. She worked quickly and efficiently, not even noticing that Fin was in, until he was standing over her desk. She glanced up and saw the worried expression on his face. She fixed her eyes on the paperwork again, not wanting to know what he wanted.  
"Amaro told me Liv." He said carefully, not wanting to stir the pot too much.  
"Obviously." She said, her eyes not wavering from her work.  
"I just want to know - " He said.  
"I'm fine." She cut him off. He sighed and walked back to his desk. She could feel his eyes on her, and she was stubborn, refusing to give him the look that he wanted. He knew there was nothing to do now but wait and started the paperwork that was piling up on his desk. It wasn't long before Amanda came in, but she, being none the wiser of Olivia's breakdown, threw a quick hello around the room before sitting at her desk and wolfing down what was obviously her breakfast. Amaro was in shortly after, and he didn't even bother speaking to Olivia, knowing she wouldn't say a thing to him. She was too proud to ask for help, and last night had been a rare moment to see into his colleague's life. Cragen came in much later.  
"Liv, can we have a chat?" He asked, after seeing the bag of knives on his desk. She stood and begrudgingly walked to his office. Stepping inside and closed the door, sensing that she didn't want the others to hear, "Are you sure these should be here?" He asked softly. She nodded, her eyes filling. She hastily brushed the tears away, "Don't forget you have that appointment." He said.  
"I know," She looked at him, "I just… I don't think I can do it." She said seriously.  
"I know you don't think you can do it, but trust me, I know you can. Giving me these knives was a big step Liv. One that few people would have chosen to take. That's a step to helping yourself," He said. He stepped closer to Olivia, and placed a hand on her arm. He felt her tense up but he stood his ground, "Don't belittle your achievements, Liv, you're better than you think you are." And with that, she broke. Her body shook as she sobbed and Cragen held her. She clung to his shirt for dear life and he just watched as she let herself go completely.


	7. Chapter 7

**Hey guys, sorry it's been a while. If you recognize it, it's not mine. Enjoy!**

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**Chapter 7**

Fin glanced up from his work to see where Olivia was, and spotted her in Cragen's office. He watched as her whole body shook and Cragen caught his eye. Fin wanted to go in there and hug her, but he knew his Captain had it under control.  
"Dad?" Someone asked. He had been lost in his own world and looked up to see his son Ken standing next to his desk.  
"Hey man," He said, standing, and wrapping his arms around Ken, slapping his back while he did so, "What's happening?" He asked, stepping back from Ken.  
"I thought we could grab some lunch Dad. Just want to catch up." Ken smiled at his father and Fin inwardly jumped for joy. Not that long ago, the tension between father and son had been apparent, as Ken's fiancée had been beaten up, before Ken had had a chance to tell his father about the engagement.  
"Yeah hang on, I'll just ask the Cap," He said, striding to the Captain's door. He gently knocked and opened it, "Can I take an hour for lunch?" He asked softly, not wanting to disturb Olivia. She had finally stopped crying and was sitting on the lounge, her eyes red and puffy. She wore a vacant expression on her face, and picked absentmindedly at her clothes. Cragen nodded and Fin thanked him, closed the door and went back to Ken. He picked his coat up.  
"I have an hour. What do you reckon about Thai food?" He asked.  
"You're on." Ken said. The two walked out of the station, talking about everything and anything.

"Liv?" Cragen's voice pulled Olivia out of her thoughts, "Its 11:30. You should go to your appointment." He said. He repeated the time and she nodded, her heart racing a million miles an hour. She muttered a hoarse "Thanks" and almost ran out the door. She grabbed her coat and pressed the button on the elevator, staring at the numbers as they rose one by one. She stepped into the elevator with a few other people and clicked number one. The elevator finished going up and went back down again. Olivia barely noticed as she prepared for what lay ahead.

"It's not your fault you know," Dr Lindstrom said, watching Olivia pace. At the start of the session, she had been perched on the edge of the small armchair and had since stood, and started pacing. She nodded, "Anything could have set her off. It was unfortunate that it was your news." He continued, knowing that for the previous sentence, he wouldn't elicit a response from her. She rounded on him.  
"Anything could have set her off," She repeated, scoffing slightly, "Not my fault. You're joking right? How is this anything BUT my fault? I barged into her life, shook it around a bit and left her to feel like shit. I just left her." She said, and she started to pace again, knowing that would be the only thing to keep her from crying again.  
"You didn't know Olivia."  
"I fucking should have." She said, clenching her fists.  
"Why?" He asked.  
"Asking the deep questions now huh?" She asked sarcastically.  
"Yep." He said. She checked her phone.  
"Hour's up. Gotta go." She said. She grabbed her bag and rushed out of there. She didn't want to be there longer than she had to. She hadn't even given him a chance to say goodbye, and she hadn't booked another appointment. He stared after her, shaking his head slightly. Olivia needed help, but he wasn't sure she wanted it.

Olivia entered the station at quarter past 1 and stepped into the Captain's office.  
"What do you need me on?" She asked, her face stone cold. None of the emotion she had shown earlier showed on her face right now, and that was exactly the way she wanted it.  
"Eat something, or go to the cribs and have a break." He said. She looked like she wanted to refuse, but thought better of it, nodded and turned around. She went to the vending machine and got some chips out of it, figuring it was better than nothing. She spotted the back of someone leaning in a hallway that intersected the hallway she was in. Their body shook as they were obviously crying. She walked up to the person, discovering it was Nick. Her heart melted as she saw his face, contorted in pain, tears streaming down it. She put the chips on the floor and stepped towards him. She put her arms around him and let him cry into her shoulder. She knew it was about Zara. She had never seen him in so much emotional pain, never seen him cry and he loved his daughter more than anything in the world. He stopped crying and stepped away from her, wiping his face.  
"Please don't tell anyone." He said, obviously embarrassed.  
"I won't, Nick," She promised him. He stared into her eyes and knew she was telling him the truth, "What's happened? Is Zara OK?"  
"Zara's fine. The court date was moved forward, to today. I found out the other day, but I couldn't make it today," He inhaled deeply and sighed, "The judge gave Maria full custody. Full custody Liv. I don't even get to her have her for holidays." He furrowed his eyebrows and clenched his fists.  
"Why?" Olivia asked, and he looked away.  
"Because I have 'violent outbursts that may cause danger to himself or his child'," He quoted it off the top of his head, and when he looked back at her, she could see the anger and pain in his eyes. She lightly placed her hand on his arm, and he pulled back, "I better get back to work." He said, and with that, he turned on his heels and left, leaving Olivia standing there, staring at his back.


	8. Chapter 8

**Sorry it's a bit short. I never really liked the character that Liv ends up with in this chapter, but felt she needed too, so I kept it short and sweet. :) If you recognize it, it's not mine. Enjoy!**

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**Chapter 8**

Olivia had been sitting at her desk for over 4 hours when Cragen came out of his office. He noticed her doing work and wandered over.  
"Didn't I tell you not to work?" He asked.  
"No, you said to either eat or go to the cribs. I ate, and now I'm working." She said, not looking up from the screen.  
"Smartass," He joked, "Seriously though, have a break. Go home, have a nap, whatever."  
"I need to work." She said.  
"Go home Liv."  
"NO!" She yelled. She looked up at him, "I mean.. I… Sorry." Her voice faltered. His face softened.  
"Liv, it's OK." He said gently.  
"No, no it's not," She stood, "I should go. I just remembered I have to be at… a friends for dinner. Bye." She grabbed her jacket and took off, not running, but not far from it. She jumped in her car, and got out of their as quickly as possible, only stopping when she made it to a familiar house. She got out of the car and locked it. She made her way up the path but before she could knock, the door opened.  
"Cragen called me." Elliot Stabler stood there, grinning to see his old partner standing in front of him. She smiled back, more warmly than she had in days. They hugged and stepped apart. He let her in the house and she found her way to the loungeroom, having been there countless times before. He gave her a glass of water and she sipped it slowly, pondering what to say. She knew he wasn't expecting anything though.  
"How's your kids?" She asked.  
"All good." He sat next to her and leant back, putting his feet on the coffee table.  
"And Kathy?" She asked after his wife. He squirmed a bit.  
"We broke up. She's living with her parents." He said.  
"When?" Olivia asked, only mildly shocked. The only reason they had gotten back together, was that Kathy had been pregnant again.  
"About a month ago," He said, "Are you OK Liv?" He asked, quickly changing the subject. Now it was her turn to squirm.  
"Yeah I'm fine," She grinned at him, "Movie marathon?" She knew he could never turn it down.  
"James Bond?" He asked, referring to the movies that they both loved so much.  
"You're on." She laughed. He put the first movie in the DVD player and she made the popcorn. They settled onto the lounge and watched in silence.


	9. Chapter 9

**This chapter is shorter than I expected. Whoopsies. But this is it. The end. Done. Finished. Super proud of this story. Thanks for being there with me the whole way! As always: If you recognize it, it's not mine. ENJOY!**

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**Chapter 9 **

"Have a good night with Elliot?" Cragen asked Olivia. She was sitting in his office the next morning.  
"Yeah, it was good. How'd you know I'd go there?" She asked.  
"I know you Olivia. You were partners for a long time, of course you would go and see him, when it seemed as though I had failed you."  
"You didn't fail me Captain," She said, looking directly at him, "I actually should thank you. Thank you for everything you've done for me. And I should apologise, for yelling at you, for running out on you."  
"Don't apologise, just get back to work, and work hard for me."  
"Of course." She stood and opened the door.  
"And Olivia," He said. She turned around and faced him, "Take care of yourself. I'm here if you need me." He turned his attentions to his computer, and she knew she had been dismissed.

She walked out and stood next to Fin's desk.  
"Can we have a chat?" She asked. He stood and followed her into the hallway. She gave him a hug.  
"What was that for?" He asked.  
"I wasn't fine, obviously. I just needed some time. I would have loved to get to know Nicole, but she's gone now, and all I want to do is move on. I want to apologize. You shouldn't have been the one to find out about my self harm. It was wrong to do it. And the drinking, I'm getting it all under control. Seeing a councellor, going to AA's, getting my life in order. I need to get past the Nicole thing, move on. So I'm doing just that."  
"That's good Liv. Good on you." He smiled, and put his arms around her.  
"Thank you Fin, thank you for being an amazing friend." She whispered.  
"All cool Liv, all cool." He whispered back.

**THE END!**


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